Steven Clark

"Nothing makes you hate men more than having a daughter." - Steven Clark

"Learn to unlearn." - Steven Clark

"Being Steven Clark is the best job in the world but sometimes I need a day off." - Steven Clark

"I don’t care how amazing your boobs are, when you post bathroom selfies I’m looking at what kind of product is on your sink and that dirty-ass mirror." - Steven Clark 

“When people are empty inside it's easy to fill them with hate.” - Steven Clark

"Singing is acting." - Steven Clark

"I may not be the blue ribbon pie in the contest, probably too salty and too much crust, but I got qualities, some." - Steven Clark

 "I hate cats, that's why I only have three." - Steven Clark

“In some states, it’s illegal for Steven Clark to put his hands in his pockets because they are considered concealed deadly weapons.” - Steven Clark

"I sell Voodoo Dolls of myself on my Etsy site just so I can feel something, anything." - Steven Clark

"I studied classical music in college and don’t really care much for it, but when I’m cruising the streets with my windows down I crank the fuck out of it so when I pass people think I’m classy." - Steven Clark

"Sarcasm is my first language." - Steven Clark 

"The worst part about playing music is musicians." - Steven Clark 

"A dozen eggs and a loaf of bread = 12 meals. That's Musician Survival Skills 101." - Steven Clark

“My name is both a promise and a threat.” - Steven Clark

“Goddamn right it’s true, I just made it up.” - Steven Clark 

"I'm not really a guitar player I just play one in the band." - Steven Clark 

“There’s a razor thin line between emotional breakdown and artistic breakthrough.” - Steven Clark 

"The easiest way to find something is to not look for it." - Steven Clark 

"There are people that hate me that I still love because I respect their opinion." - Steven Clark

"In Steven Clark’s world every surface is a craft table." - Steven Clark

Steven Clark had Dua Lipa when he was a kid and was in a wheelchair for two years. 

"No musician is a ground breaking genius, we only create “new sounds” by trying to imitate our heroes and falling short." - Steven Clark 

"Tequila is for making great memories with your best friends that you won't remember." - Steven Clark 

"Steven Clark will make your Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs." - Steven Clark 

“I want everything and nothing, and I want it now.” - Steven Clark 

"I have learned to expect nothing that way I'm happy when I get it." - Steven Clark 

"At this point we have nothing to lose except everything." - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark is only a dick when he's drunk, or hungover, or hasn't had a drink. 

"If this pandemic has taught us anything as a society it's how to live stream and bake bread." - Steven Clark 

"Elevators were invented so there would be someplace to play jazz music." - Steven Clark 

"If you are comfortable in your own skin you are always at home." - Steven Clark 

"Luck is for losers.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark has a black belt in brown-nosing. 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everybody away. An art project for me prevents a killing spree. Stay home, make stuff, save lives. Love. #covid19 

Q: What is the difference between Steven Clark and God? 
A: Steven Clark doesn’t think he is God. 

AssFact #381: Steven Clark and his hero Chuck Berry have two things in common. 
#1) Both like white ladies with big boobies. 
#2) Both can only play Chuck Berry licks. 

“You can’t catch lightning in a bottle but you can drink it from one.” - Steven Clark 

I don't give guitars names because they are tools. Can you imagine naming every wrench in your toolbox? Also, if you name the chickens they don't taste as good. 

Steven Clark just found the secret to happiness, it was under the couch. 

Loving Steven Clark is an acquired taste, swish that around for a moment, he starts out slightly smoky with a hint of fruit and ends with a warm nutty finish on the back of your tongue. 

Jesus, Sasquatch, and Steven Clark walk into a bar. The bartender freaks out and yells “Oh my God is that really Steven Clark!” 

AssFact #361: Steven Clark’s middle name is “Wayne” because his parents hoped he would be a serial killer instead of a musician. 

"The paperwork went through! My new legal middle name is "Danger"! Heading to the DMV for a new license." - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark does more by 9:00am than most people do in a lifetime. 

Steven Clark's teeth have been kicked out over one million times and they keep growing back. 

“If I don’t over-hype Steven Clark who will?” - Steven Clark 

"Being poor is very expensive.” - Steven Clark 

"Somewhere a young man just arrived on the set of a porno where he will be paid good money to have wild sex with three beautiful women for the next eight hours. He is downhearted because this is the only way for him to earn enough money to finance his dream business of owning a mobile dog washing truck. 
A job is just a job if it’s not your dream, live your dream…" - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark has decided to grow a two-inch ponytail so all of the young cats will know he is still cool. 

The way to Steven Clark's heart is through his liver. 

If Steven Clark says that horse is going to lay an egg you better start building a nest. 

AssFact #167: Steven Clark said to Johnny Depp "Every time I'm making love to my woman I whisper 'Who do you like better me or Johnny Depp? And she always answers Johnny Depp." Without missing a beat Depp replied, "Well you aren't doing something right." True story. 

“Dicks cause problems.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark gonna do what Steven Clark gonna do. 

Steven Clark only feels degrees of love. Some people rate a 10, or a 3, maybe even a 0, but it's still love. 

Steven Clark is hard on the outside but has a soft creamy center. 

“I glowed with hope as they wiped away the afterbirth, then they smacked my ass hard and long while with great suspicion I surveyed the room and realized what a shit-show planet I was on this time, "Not again!" my mind screamed as I let out an ear-splitting cry. Somewhere a dog barked in the distance.”  (The opening lines of Steven Clark’s forthcoming memoir: “Taking On All Comers and Vice Versa”) 

“If everyone would just do what I say this would be a lot easier.” - Steven Clark 

"If you relish my results then do not question my methods.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark has seen it all, twice. 

Steven Clark lost his mental notebook. 

Steven Clark’s life is very different from what you think it is no matter what you think. 

AssFact #234: Steven Clark eats a basket of chicken wings like a school of piranha. 

AssFact #127: Steven Clark will not die of natural causes he will be killed suddenly by a machine. 

AssFact #323: Steven Clark is a prostitute with a camera. 

Steven Clark wishes he could give all of you a turkey neck but he is only human. 

Steven Clark's new hip hop name is "Spicy Nuggs". 

"Those that know me know.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark is living a Bukowski poem, unfortunately. 

Steven Clark's rap moniker is “Spotty Drizzle” because he makes it rain. 

“Life is not a spectator sport.” - Steven Clark 

“It’s harder than it looks being Steven Clark but he's the only one who can do it.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark has everything in the world except enemies. 

Steven Clark just unfriended someone for applying lipstick past where her lips stopped. It's weird, stop it, you've been warned. 

AssFact #367: When Steven Clark is climbing a steep hill in his old Subaru he turns off the air conditioner but pretends it’s the “Turbo-Boost” switch and makes a clicking sound with his mouth. 

"I will live like an animal before I am treated like one.” - Steven Clark 

"You can fix anything with a good enough hose." - Steven Clark 

A simple villager spent his life trying to reach the mountain top and when he finally breached the summit and entered the cave of the wise man he was asked, "Why boy have you undertaken this arduous journey?” The man replied, “Because I thought Steven Clark was here.” The wise man’s face contorted with confusion, “Did you not know that Steven Clark is everywhere?” True story. 

"Any pursuit with fame as the goal is shit.” - Steven Clark 

"I'm going to try this KETO diet thing but I'm not changing what I eat.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark had a very productive weekend except for Saturday and Sunday. 

It’s going to be a long weekend in the studio Steven Clark is going to have to switch on his back-up liver. 

Steven Clark doesn't celebrate the Derby or Christmas for the same reason. He hasn’t a dog in either race. 

"Life is too short to fold underwear." - Steven Clark 

"Not living scares me more than dying." - Steven Clark 

If Texas outlaws masturbation only outlaws will masturbate. 

Steven Clark just took going to a whole new level to a whole new level. 

Steven Clark suspects that some of you are not as smart as you think you are. 

When Steven Clark’s memoir comes out some of you are going to have some s’plaining to do. 

“The only thing I hate is hate.” - Steven Clark 

“Guitar wizards write shitty songs.” - Steven Clark 

AssFact #169: Steven Clark suffers from dyscalculia, face blindness, and extreme shyness (due to a lack of confidence). 

“Combo amps are just end tables with speakers.” - Steven Clark 

“I would rather be hated than ignored.” - Steven Clark 

“Don’t do cocaine kids! It’s very expensive.” - Steven Clark 

“Christianity is sacrilegious.” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark just finished a new spec script, “Bikini Death Camp” and he thinks it may need to be …”From Mars.”. 

"You are my safety net made of warm hugs and puppy dog breath” - Steven Clark 

Steven Clark doesn’t eat, he samples from the crockpot to see if it “needs anything else” until it’s ready and then he is full. 

Steven Clark needs adulting lessons because apparently, he ain’t doing it correctly. 

Q: How do you sleep knowing that people don't like you?  A: Like a drunk baby with a great lawyer and two million in the bank. 

Steven Clark has been stuffing toilet paper into Mason jars and burying them in the yard all day. He needs a drink. 

"If you think C-19 is a hoax go lick a doorknob." - Steven Clark 

"I once confused cornholing for noodling, she hated it." - Steven Clark

Tonight's gig was canceled due to tornadoes and pandemics, the end times are starting to cramp Steven Clark's style.